In the past 5 years…
ushered in new life
watched a loved one pass away
witnessed loved ones wade through the depths of grief and heartbreak
watched a loved one’s beautiful mind leave us
felt the deep meaning and connection of family
walked with several friends through heartbreak and divorce
learned of the many reasons why affairs happen
watched in awe as my children learn and grow and fight and play and love
lost my brain as I thought I knew it and am learning how to use the one I actually have
lost my body as I thought I knew it and am learning how to love the one I actually have
crashed against rock bottom
felt the deepest rage
felt the deepest love
have been courageous
have been way out beyond my comfort zone and feeling of safety
tried to support and then watched a family fall apart and fall deeper into poverty
have been to places in our own city/country that not many dare see
saw vistas so beautiful I cried and my heart sang
photographed most of them all
communed with poetry and music and nature
heard of and supported close loved ones battle their own minds and emotions
lost a friend to a deep and unknowable abyss
went through a midlife crisis without shaving off my hair
(The best lines my hair defender said, “It’s not your hair. Focus on self care, your body, your self-image instead.)
pierced my nose!
got drunk too many times to count
danced like no one was watching
sang at the top of my lungs
felt damn sexy
laughed for no good damn reason
said way too many stupid things
overshared then overshared some more
apologized and apologized and apologized
met and participated in multiple new life giving and affirming communities
found and lost a career?
felt heartbreak several times over for not only myself but especially for many thousands of people I don’t even know
shook my fist at God and asked God why?
tried to seek answers that I still can’t find answers to
became okay with not knowing
fell out of love and in love all over again
felt deep and utter suffering and despair
battled sleep deprivation
cried and fought over money
gave money to those who need it more
made the best love
felt profound compassion
swore because it felt good
learned how to ask for and receive help
learned how to stand up for myself
learned the meaning of saying no
learned to recognize and acknowledge when I need to speak up/out
played, laughed, rejoiced, delighted, renewed, gave up, let go
sought the right and best help and let go of the no longer needed help
fell in love with several cameras and film
fell in love with countless photos and photographers (Salt of the Earth!)
felt my desire/talent deeply acknowledged
met artists and accepted my place as an artist
learned the meaning of “yes, and”
kicked shame to the curb and told it to go F itself
grew passionate about wolves and graffiti and mothers and babies
spent way too many hours on the internet
spent way more hours with my people
sought and sought and sought and sought some more
spiraled down and spiraled up
felt spirit move within and around me
I have loved.
I have lived.
I know who I am.
I know my worth.
I know my purpose.
I listen to the Secret that sits at the middle and knows.
I may forget, but will constantly seek to remember.
I am deeply satisfied.